Okay so I have given in and bought a way too expensive torture device that others refer to as a pair of Spanx. I get it...I do, but WHY?!? So here was my encounter with the evilness:
I went into the store dressed as baggily as possible and very quietly asked the salesperson how I would know which size to buy. She was very helpful in telling me the sizes- but here was my first dilemma. See in my head I am still lovingly a size 8- not happening in real life though. So I can nudge myself into believing I should be a 10- but in those evil stores that I must shop they have an awful system of sizing their clothing wrong so, in their evil scheme of making me depressed I must by a twelve for some (okay fine- most) things.
So I go into the dressing room where I spend no lie 15 minutes getting into a stupid pair of Spanx. 15 minutes people. what happens when a chunky girl spends 15 minutes in a cramped cubicle with a mirror that shows all of her flaws? She starts sweating, panicking, and wanting chocolate. Anyway- I get the stupid things on and I just looked ridiculous, but I thought- hey it will look better with my jeans. (the size 10 ones that I KNOW I will be able to wear once I drop 50 bucks on this stupid torture device)
So I bought it, and of course on the way to the register I pass what I refer to as the display of chicken cutlets. Those precious little things that you are supposed to put in your bra to make you APPEAR to have boobs. Anyone who knows me knows that I was not blessed in that department AT ALL. If you were to compare boobs to fruit- I would have oranges- on a good day (okay fine- I did while breastfeeding- now I have tangelos). So I was examining this display and seriously considering another economically stupid purchase when I made myself walk away.
I arrived home put the stupid Spanx back on and into the living room to show my sister in law the stupid shirt that makes me look like a grape with my stupid hooker heels and size ten jeans. Her reply? "You know what you need?! Spanx! I swear by them! They are the most amazing thing when you just don't feel like sucking it in." I wanted to scream every cuss word in the book - but that would mean acknowledging that I already had on Spanx and this was as good as it gets.
Fast forward- three hours later we are out and about and momma has to pee. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PEE WITH SPANX!? It was a miracle to get into them to begin with with all of the stupid straps and stretchiness. I seriously looked around the bathroom for something sharp to cut them off- I was that desperate. So chunky girl in a cubicle AGAIN for 15 minutes sweating, panicking, and wanting chocolate while having to pee.
And for everything that gets sucked into those stupid media driven torture hose- something has to come out somewhere. YES you look smaller where the Spanx are, but where they are not- THAT'S WHERE THE EXCESS POPS OUT! Seriously every ounce of fat that was hidden around my middle popped out under my bra and between those little straps that you attach to your bra. NOT IN my boob area where the needed chicken cutlets would have been but UNDER the bra. I had so many issues, it was terrible. Not to mention the fact that HELLO!?!? This is TX, and it is freaking hot here without wearing a skin tight layer of support garments under your everyday clothes.
So my deduction? Grab four sizes when you walk into a dressing room. Don't look at the tags when you try them on- buy what fits and burn the evidence. If you own Spanx- burn those too. If you own chicken cutlets throw them out. After all- no matter how sexy you might appear with those evil products- eventually at the end of the night they have to come off- and you won't look the same without them, so why fool yourself or someone else to begin with? We are beautiful as is- and we should try to convince ourselves of that without all of the trickery that the media wants us to believe in.
But if you MUST buy them- also buy chocolate and crisco. you will need them both. trust me.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
tiny little hands
Sometimes it is so easy to get upset
When those tiny little hands make such big messes,
And those tiny little noses are constantly dirty,
And those tiny mouths are forever getting louder.
But one day not too far from now
Those not so tiny hands will go into kindergarten,
And those not so tiny noses will be runny from a broken heart,
And those not so tiny mouths will be calling from far away.
Instead of getting frustrated as mommas often do
Help those hands make the messes,
Wipe the noses and kiss their cheeks while you are at it,
And help those tiny mouths to find their own voices.
Take a picture of these moments,
Spend these times together not in timeout,
Cherish every second because all too soon
You will wish for their return!
Love you guys- sorry for the depth of the subject but my fingers just started typing, and I hope someone out there needs this as much as I did when I wrote it.
When those tiny little hands make such big messes,
And those tiny little noses are constantly dirty,
And those tiny mouths are forever getting louder.
But one day not too far from now
Those not so tiny hands will go into kindergarten,
And those not so tiny noses will be runny from a broken heart,
And those not so tiny mouths will be calling from far away.
Instead of getting frustrated as mommas often do
Help those hands make the messes,
Wipe the noses and kiss their cheeks while you are at it,
And help those tiny mouths to find their own voices.
Take a picture of these moments,
Spend these times together not in timeout,
Cherish every second because all too soon
You will wish for their return!
Love you guys- sorry for the depth of the subject but my fingers just started typing, and I hope someone out there needs this as much as I did when I wrote it.
Monday, March 8, 2010
It was definately a man
I have already posted once today but this was just too funny not to share.
I had to read a story tonight for my World Lit class titled "Lysistrata" by ancient Athenian author Aristophanes. This entire play was about a war between Athens and Sparta and how the women decide to end the war by withholding sex from their men. Okay that in and of itself was silly, but entertaining... then it just got ridiculous.
After FIVE DAYS without sex the women are jumping the city walls trying to get to their men like they left their bottles of Prozac at home. REALLY? 5 days!?!
Here's how it goes down at my house:
>enter hubby< "babe the kids are asleep"
>I say< "and?"
"it's been a while" (heavy with implication)
"fine- but I have a paper to write and dishes to do so let's be quick about it"
"deal"
" oh and I'm not shaving my legs"
okay- maybe not THAT bad- but pretty close sometimes. Anyway- so I found it hilarious that this MALE author thought that even in a comedy women were so desperate for sex that they would climb the walls after five days without it. Silly silly man.
I had to read a story tonight for my World Lit class titled "Lysistrata" by ancient Athenian author Aristophanes. This entire play was about a war between Athens and Sparta and how the women decide to end the war by withholding sex from their men. Okay that in and of itself was silly, but entertaining... then it just got ridiculous.
After FIVE DAYS without sex the women are jumping the city walls trying to get to their men like they left their bottles of Prozac at home. REALLY? 5 days!?!
Here's how it goes down at my house:
>enter hubby< "babe the kids are asleep"
>I say< "and?"
"it's been a while" (heavy with implication)
"fine- but I have a paper to write and dishes to do so let's be quick about it"
"deal"
" oh and I'm not shaving my legs"
okay- maybe not THAT bad- but pretty close sometimes. Anyway- so I found it hilarious that this MALE author thought that even in a comedy women were so desperate for sex that they would climb the walls after five days without it. Silly silly man.
Philosophy Paper Vs My Faith
I had a philosophy paper due to today that I really struggled with. This whole semester has been a test of my faith, but this one had to be put in black and white. I had to choose an argument to agree with out of the following
A) God exists because the world does
B) God exists because of the design of things
C) God exists because he is the greatest conceivable being
At first glance I could see how all of these could work on some level- I mean I DO believe God made the world, and I do believe that He is intelligent and therefor so is the design of everything around us, and I do believe that God is great- but it just felt like I was putting God into a box- and I have learned never to do that.
If God is just a creator or designer- that would be like saying Van Gogh existed because he painted Starry Night. I may be wrong, but I am pretty sure he existed for more than just the time period that it took to paint that portrait, and I am also pretty sure he had more to him and his life than just that one character trait.
And saying that God was only as great as we can conceive? How arrogant of us to think that we could ever possibly even fathom Gods greatness! I don't know about anyone else- but God has done so many amazing things in my life that I can not possibly ever understand, and I don't think that he intends for us to.
So I argued against all three! So let's start praying now that my agnostic professor can see the argument behind the paper and not just that I disagreed with all three of the options!
A) God exists because the world does
B) God exists because of the design of things
C) God exists because he is the greatest conceivable being
At first glance I could see how all of these could work on some level- I mean I DO believe God made the world, and I do believe that He is intelligent and therefor so is the design of everything around us, and I do believe that God is great- but it just felt like I was putting God into a box- and I have learned never to do that.
If God is just a creator or designer- that would be like saying Van Gogh existed because he painted Starry Night. I may be wrong, but I am pretty sure he existed for more than just the time period that it took to paint that portrait, and I am also pretty sure he had more to him and his life than just that one character trait.
And saying that God was only as great as we can conceive? How arrogant of us to think that we could ever possibly even fathom Gods greatness! I don't know about anyone else- but God has done so many amazing things in my life that I can not possibly ever understand, and I don't think that he intends for us to.
So I argued against all three! So let's start praying now that my agnostic professor can see the argument behind the paper and not just that I disagreed with all three of the options!
