Spanx and Chicken Cutlets

Okay so I have given in and bought a way too expensive torture device that others refer to as a pair of Spanx. I get it...I do, but WHY?!? So here was my encounter with the evilness:

I went into the store dressed as baggily as possible and very quietly asked the salesperson how I would know which size to buy. She was very helpful in telling me the sizes- but here was my first dilemma. See in my head I am still lovingly a size 8- not happening in real life though. So I can nudge myself into believing I should be a 10- but in those evil stores that I must shop they have an awful system of sizing their clothing wrong so, in their evil scheme of making me depressed I must by a twelve for some (okay fine- most) things.

So I go into the dressing room where I spend no lie 15 minutes getting into a stupid pair of Spanx. 15 minutes people. what happens when a chunky girl spends 15 minutes in a cramped cubicle with a mirror that shows all of her flaws? She starts sweating, panicking, and wanting chocolate. Anyway- I get the stupid things on and I just looked ridiculous, but I thought- hey it will look better with my jeans. (the size 10 ones that I KNOW I will be able to wear once I drop 50 bucks on this stupid torture device)

So I bought it, and of course on the way to the register I pass what I refer to as the display of chicken cutlets. Those precious little things that you are supposed to put in your bra to make you APPEAR to have boobs. Anyone who knows me knows that I was not blessed in that department AT ALL. If you were to compare boobs to fruit- I would have oranges- on a good day (okay fine- I did while breastfeeding- now I have tangelos). So I was examining this display and seriously considering another economically stupid purchase when I made myself walk away.

I arrived home put the stupid Spanx back on and into the living room to show my sister in law the stupid shirt that makes me look like a grape with my stupid hooker heels and size ten jeans. Her reply? "You know what you need?! Spanx! I swear by them! They are the most amazing thing when you just don't feel like sucking it in." I wanted to scream every cuss word in the book - but that would mean acknowledging that I already had on Spanx and this was as good as it gets.

Fast forward- three hours later we are out and about and momma has to pee. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PEE WITH SPANX!? It was a miracle to get into them to begin with with all of the stupid straps and stretchiness. I seriously looked around the bathroom for something sharp to cut them off- I was that desperate. So chunky girl in a cubicle AGAIN for 15 minutes sweating, panicking, and wanting chocolate while having to pee.

And for everything that gets sucked into those stupid media driven torture hose- something has to come out somewhere. YES you look smaller where the Spanx are, but where they are not- THAT'S WHERE THE EXCESS POPS OUT! Seriously every ounce of fat that was hidden around my middle popped out under my bra and between those little straps that you attach to your bra. NOT IN my boob area where the needed chicken cutlets would have been but UNDER the bra. I had so many issues, it was terrible. Not to mention the fact that HELLO!?!? This is TX, and it is freaking hot here without wearing a skin tight layer of support garments under your everyday clothes.

So my deduction? Grab four sizes when you walk into a dressing room. Don't look at the tags when you try them on- buy what fits and burn the evidence. If you own Spanx- burn those too. If you own chicken cutlets throw them out. After all- no matter how sexy you might appear with those evil products- eventually at the end of the night they have to come off- and you won't look the same without them, so why fool yourself or someone else to begin with? We are beautiful as is- and we should try to convince ourselves of that without all of the trickery that the media wants us to believe in.

But if you MUST buy them- also buy chocolate and crisco. you will need them both. trust me.